crying without tearss...
another journal for you stranger.. hi again :)
well after i wrote the "i have always known my actual grace but i pretend." , i told myself that i shouldn't give up because i was a person who fought for her wishes. i am a little different now. anyway, i put on my gym clothes and got on our motorized treadmill and start walking. i was sure that time, like always. i would lose weight. after i walked 15 minutes, the treadmill broke-down. again! i really don't understand, when i get on this treadmill, it always breaks-down and that makes me frustrated:)
it has always been like that. when i was little(primary school child), everyone in our house can have a shower very comfortably. as long as they can. but when i want to have it,we are always run out of hot water and my shower time wouldnt be comfortable enough !
if i really want something so badly, i never can have it. the possibility of having it ,is so rare. i mean why? i just wanted to be a normal girl. i dont want to be obese anymore. but when i get on this bloody treadmill,it always breaks down. sometimes i wonder, it happens because of ME? but no not because of me. when the men came to fix it , they always say a problem to us. we ask them, it broke down because of us. they say no. than everybody in our house can use it very well except me.
i mean i try to do something for myself and this oppurtunity is always taken from me! it is not just about a bloody stupid treadmill or a shower.it is just about my decisions. the decisions that i make for myself . for making a good thing for myself. but no. my fate don't let me do it.
i am getting use to it though. after i got of the treadmill. i was so frustrated. i really wanted to cry. wanted to scream at my fate. wanted to ask why???. .. i decided to have a shower. i sat down the bathtub and started crying. the cold water was raining down on me. i was crying without tears. i wanted to cry even i cant. i cried and cried without tears. my tears were the drops of the water. the tears which didnt drop from my eyes, the tears which dropped from the tap of the shower.
i was alone again. no one tried to soothe me again. that crying was for the last hope inside me. and that broken-down treadmill just helped me to destroy it....
-welcome the depression and frustration hotel again. your room is ready. it was for one right?-
