lastleaveoffall

what would you do if you leave youself stranger ?   that is today's question. by the way i can not make a paragraph in here ... :P well, my life  has always been so sad . there are times that i was happy and had good times with my friends. however against all those beautiful friends and a family, i have never been totally happy. it is like that because of me.i have always known that i could do the things better but i've never done! sometimes my parents,other members of my family or my friends ask me why i'm like that . why i always push the good things away from myself. i can not tell them that i lost myself, i dumped myself. i just tell them that i'm HAPPY like that and they believe me. sometimes my parents tell me " look at yourself damla. why dont you try for yourself. your all friends try to do things for themselves. they lose weight or make a new style for themselves.. why don't you do it. when you go to college, there will be boys that you may like. won't you want to hang out with them." well; all those words,i just say NOTHING. i can not tell them or ask them to wake me up or resurrect me for this beuatiful life. i know those things and still i dont do anything for my soul,my body. everbody tells me that i'm beautiful and have a really good personality. even the members of the buzznet,the people i don't know but have really good time with them, look at my pics and tell me that i am so beuatiful. but this beauty is only belongs to my face. not my body. i know some things about myself. i am a really good actress and have a great voice. but i can not take the leading role. the audience always tell me that i'm performe really good and better than the leading role.they always congrulates me. and i'm happy. on the other hand, i've  a lot friends. most of them are boys :) they always tell me that i am a really good person. when i go out with a group of my friends. boys want to get rid of the other girls and at the end of our friendship meeting, boys ask me secretly from other girls seeing a movie. i know; if i had tried for myself-had lost my weights, i would have a gorgeous and a nice date or i could have acted the leading role. i would have gained a lot things. actually i have gained a lot good things with that look but i could have more. i have always known that. but still i dont do a little thing for myself. i just want to destroy myself. i don't commit suicide cause i love this life so much. i love the people around me so much. i love the music, the smell of the trees and the touches of the summer breeze. i love the stars that look at me from the sky . i love seeing this world and my every breath but i just dont love myself. and i dumped myself. i always pretend to other people. i hate lies but i sometimes tell them lies. i am fat and i am sometimes happy-mostly sad. people around me love me and ask me why but they never try to resurrect me. they never try to understand me deeply. they just pass away and tell me that they love me. so how i can find a real friend , a person to understand me and help me to live again inside............ i've already lost my hope and still help others... ..