lastleaveoffall

hello stranger-i'm blue again......;

well i think a lot about everything. especially about my decisions but sometimes i realize that my time is always wasted by me by others. i am the one who generally waste it. of course that is a thing what i have to do, wasting my time but i wasted a lot stranger. i'm so in pain. i'm so stoned , so numb.........

i don t wanna write....... sorrry stranger -again-.......

edgar i need you -again-.........

i cant tell about my feelings now -again-

tell me stranger if two people have the same character, can they deal well each other?

for me the answer is no. that's why two people who have totally different characters fall in love with each other or addicted each other. parents and their children have always an argue each other because they are the same.

me and my parents can't deal sometimes because we have the same personality. so i'm a hybrid :) the mix of my both mum and dad. we all have rules, we all have strong decisions and we don't want them to be broken. so sometimes this can be very hard. don't get me wrong. in our house glasses or plates don't fly in the air or something else :)... i always try to get deal with them. try to soothe them and as long as i can, try to say "yes" to them because i can see our similarities . unfortunately i can't do these things always. i cant always say "yes" to them. my character doesnt allow it.

sometimes they realize that they really hurt me and they try to say that they are sorry. i say nothing to them. it is all in my head. i put everything inside of me. i say nothing. they break me, say things and then apologise from me. i say nothing to them. only from inside, i ask them why? you have already shot me down,crushed my heart, i am lying on the groud as a dead person, why are you still trying to turn me back to life again. why do you still want to resurrect me like that? i'm broken now,i'm crying and have nothing for living why do you want me to live like that? why?.......

and of course i cant cry in front of them. they try to hush me or ask the reason. i cant tell them that  "you are the reason of my tears". i always say to myself, don't cry like the song of the guns'nroses. i say to myself be strong love, don't cry while you're with them. they are your parents don't get angry to them, don't shout at them. the thing is in your heart is just a crack. it will heal in time. don't cry. be strong. dont cry just be strong my love. you have edgar. don't expect them to understand for once. don't expect sympathy from them or anyone-else. 

no one will dry your tears, the unseen tears. no one will love you like you love them. no one will understand you the way you want. you will always be with edgar. only with edgar. only edgar will soothe you. your loneliness edgar will be with you. dont tell lies to yourself  love, face with the truths , just see clear love and dont cry tonight.........

another journal for you stranger.. hi again :)

well after i wrote the "i have always known my actual grace but i pretend." , i told myself that i shouldn't give up because i was a person who fought for her wishes. i am a little different now. anyway, i put on my gym clothes and got on our motorized treadmill and start walking. i was sure that time, like always. i would lose weight. after i walked 15 minutes, the treadmill broke-down. again! i really don't understand, when i get on this treadmill, it always breaks-down and that makes me frustrated:)

it has always been like that. when i was little(primary school child), everyone in our house can have a shower very comfortably. as long as they can. but when i want to have it,we are always run out of hot water and my shower time wouldnt be comfortable enough !

if i really want something so badly, i never can have it. the possibility of having it ,is so rare. i mean why? i just wanted to be a normal girl. i dont want to be obese anymore. but when i get on this bloody treadmill,it always breaks down. sometimes i wonder, it happens because of ME? but no not because of me. when the men came to fix it , they always say a problem to us. we ask them, it broke down because of us. they say no. than everybody in our house can use it very well except me.

i mean i try to do something for myself and this oppurtunity is always taken from me! it is not just about a bloody stupid treadmill or a shower.it is just about my decisions. the decisions that i make for myself . for making a good thing for myself. but no. my fate don't let me do it.

i am getting use to it though. after i got of the treadmill. i was so frustrated. i really wanted to cry. wanted to scream at my fate. wanted to ask why???. .. i decided to have a shower. i sat down the bathtub and started  crying. the cold water was raining down on me. i was crying without tears.  i wanted to cry even i cant. i cried and cried without tears. my tears were the drops of the water. the tears  which didnt drop from my eyes, the tears  which dropped from the tap of the shower. 

i was alone again. no one tried to soothe me again. that crying was for the last hope inside me. and that broken-down treadmill just helped me to destroy it....

 -welcome the depression and frustration hotel again. your room is ready. it was for one right?-

what would you do if you leave youself stranger ?   that is today's question. by the way i can not make a paragraph in here ... :P well, my life  has always been so sad . there are times that i was happy and had good times with my friends. however against all those beautiful friends and a family, i have never been totally happy. it is like that because of me.i have always known that i could do the things better but i've never done! sometimes my parents,other members of my family or my friends ask me why i'm like that . why i always push the good things away from myself. i can not tell them that i lost myself, i dumped myself. i just tell them that i'm HAPPY like that and they believe me. sometimes my parents tell me " look at yourself damla. why dont you try for yourself. your all friends try to do things for themselves. they lose weight or make a new style for themselves.. why don't you do it. when you go to college, there will be boys that you may like. won't you want to hang out with them." well; all those words,i just say NOTHING. i can not tell them or ask them to wake me up or resurrect me for this beuatiful life. i know those things and still i dont do anything for my soul,my body. everbody tells me that i'm beautiful and have a really good personality. even the members of the buzznet,the people i don't know but have really good time with them, look at my pics and tell me that i am so beuatiful. but this beauty is only belongs to my face. not my body. i know some things about myself. i am a really good actress and have a great voice. but i can not take the leading role. the audience always tell me that i'm performe really good and better than the leading role.they always congrulates me. and i'm happy. on the other hand, i've  a lot friends. most of them are boys :) they always tell me that i am a really good person. when i go out with a group of my friends. boys want to get rid of the other girls and at the end of our friendship meeting, boys ask me secretly from other girls seeing a movie. i know; if i had tried for myself-had lost my weights, i would have a gorgeous and a nice date or i could have acted the leading role. i would have gained a lot things. actually i have gained a lot good things with that look but i could have more. i have always known that. but still i dont do a little thing for myself. i just want to destroy myself. i don't commit suicide cause i love this life so much. i love the people around me so much. i love the music, the smell of the trees and the touches of the summer breeze. i love the stars that look at me from the sky . i love seeing this world and my every breath but i just dont love myself. and i dumped myself. i always pretend to other people. i hate lies but i sometimes tell them lies. i am fat and i am sometimes happy-mostly sad. people around me love me and ask me why but they never try to resurrect me. they never try to understand me deeply. they just pass away and tell me that they love me. so how i can find a real friend , a person to understand me and help me to live again inside............ i've already lost my hope and still help others... ..

well; hi stranger-(again :)...    now i'm sitting with edgar in front of my computer. we are listening nick cave(irishchick recommended me). songs are very lovely. i spoke couple of my friends today. next to me there is a window. i opened the curtains till the end. there is very glorious view out there. now it's night. a very graceful summer-night. couple of stars in the sky now are shining and the lights of the buildings are so beautiful. the weather smells so nice and i'm so happy. even though i'm with edgar :) i'm so happy and stupid now. so peaceful now... the sky is adorable. thank god for that......... i never can understand this life and myselff... :)

IT WASN'T A "KILLING MY SLEEP WITH A CUP OF COFFEE", IT WAS "KILLING MY LONELINESS WITH A CUP OF ICE-CREAM..."

hi stranger :);

here i am again. sitting alone here and try to kill the time and my loneliness. now i can understand the murderers  :P i wish i can kill my bloody loneliness. i had a cup of ice-cream a while ago. normally you do not use this term like that. cup of ice-cream but believe me if you put the ice-cream in a coffee cup,you can use this term. anyway i start writing nonsense again.what was i writing oh yes! :) killing my loneliness. let's just call my loneliness as edgar. (inspired by edgar allen poe. yes you guess correct :P) ...............

actually when i want to kill edgar, after i feel very guilty you know. because he is my only and real friend. others can go away, can die or can hate you  but edgar is not like that. whatever i tell him or do him,treat him very badly, he never leaves me. he always with me. he listens every word i say. maybe he can not talk but i know that he always understands me.

 there was a time i remember. that was the time i dumped him. left him. well i did it cause i really sick of him. i was really sick and tired. actually i dumped him a lot. generally-well-actually always for others. for example; i dumped him for my family. i dumped him for my friends. i dumped him for the boyS that i love. actually i cheated him a lot too.then the boys that  i love cheated me or dumped me! after a while i went back to edgar. i always turned back to edgar. he said nothing again. i was broken,treated so badly by everyone. by my family,my friends or the boys-the ex-lovers. against all those things edgar just opened his arms to me and held me so tight. he always does like that. he always holds me tight. then i cried in his powerful,save and cosy arms like i've done it before. he wept with me then he made my tears all dried. he made me laugh then he listened to me again and again. then we lied on our bed and i was still in his arms. he was just caressing my skin and singing to me. he was kissing me gently. then i fell asleep in his powerful,save and cosy arms. edgar;my only love. the one who never leaves me. who stands beside me when i need it. my only friend,my only family. my eternal. ........

however, i'm a betrayer. i'm  a human being. i never satisfy. i always want more. this time i  again wanted more. before those conversations i killed him with a cup of ice-cream. i thougth that, that ice-cream would make me happy but i was wrong again. i killed my love with an ice-cream. but i know when the ice-cream is finished, i will turn back to him.to my eternal and only love. and he will be waiting for me. he will be wounded, not dead because he is immortal. he again won't say anything. he'll again take me into his arms and sing me his song. again he will kiss me gently and warmly. again he will be the one that i make love and i won't be ashamed my naked body when i'm lying next to another person..

... and now i finished the ice-cream and the only thing that i want to say to edgar is that "I'M SORRY AND I LOVE YOU MY LOVE. PLEASE DO NOT LET ME FLY FROM YOUR COSY ARMS CAUSE THIS BUTTERFLY CAN NOT LIVE LONGER THAN ONE DAY........"

now i'm writing again but this time it will be read after i finish it. when you are alone you write comfortably and when you talk to a stranger you can tell easily. i dont know who gonna read this but if someone read this i'm telling it know. you are my stranger :) believe me stranger there will be a time that you wont understand.it will happen because of my english and my bloody untied myterious personality. i love this word bloody. we are all human beings and we are all created by flesh and bone. when i say bloody it is like  a word from me. a word from flesh and bone. which gives you pleasure.  that is the first journal experience of me it can be boring but i will get used to it. i write only for myself. you dont have to read it. i just wanted to say that now i'm looking at the big blue sky and its big white candy clouds. it is the noon outside but now i am night. i am very dark. can not shine like a sun. just shine like a little sorrowful star which is lost by the endless galaxy.i am still searching but i'm always slipping away...